(In a whisper)
I think I might actually get 3 nights off this week. Shhh !!!
This is a story of an aging couple
Told by their son who was President of NBC NEWS.*
This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large
and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed. Here goes...
My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.
He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.
"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."
At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in: she said. "He hit a horse."
"Well," my father said, "there was that too."
So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors
all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.
My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines , would take the streetcar to work and
often as not, walk the 3 miles home.
If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks
If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks
to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner,
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner,
we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none.
"No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.
But, sometimes, my father would say,
But, sometimes, my father would say,
"But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one."
It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.
But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950
Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.
It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and,
since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.
Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.
Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.
So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive.
She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where,
She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where,
a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving.
The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?"
I remember him saying more than once.
For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in
the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in
the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.
Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an
equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them
equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them
through their 75 years of marriage.
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)
He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so,
He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so,
he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church.
She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back
until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning.
She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back
until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning.
If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk,
meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.
If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church.
He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."
After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere,
After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere,
even if he had no reason to go along.
If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio.
In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again.
The millionaire on second base
made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."
If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out --
The millionaire on second base
made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored."
If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out --
and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he
was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me,
was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me,
"Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"
"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.
"No left turns," he said.
"What?" I asked. "No left turns," he repeated.
"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.
"No left turns," he said.
"What?" I asked. "No left turns," he repeated.
"Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.
As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said.
So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."
"What?" I said again.
"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a
left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."
"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support. "No," she said, "your father is right.
We make three rights. It works."
But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."
I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.
"Loses count?" I asked.
"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a
problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."
I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.
"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day.
"What?" I said again.
"No left turns," he said. "Think about it. Three rights are the same as a
left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."
"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support. "No," she said, "your father is right.
We make three rights. It works."
But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."
I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.
"Loses count?" I asked.
"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a
problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."
I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.
"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day.
Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
My mother was never in an accident, but one
evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving.
evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving.
That was in 1999, when she was 90. She lived four more years, until 2003.
My father died the next year, at 102.
They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a
few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid
$8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one.
They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a
few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid
$8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one.
My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times
what he paid for the house.
He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.
One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out,
though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.
A few weeks earlier, he had told my son,
A few weeks earlier, he had told my son,
"You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred."
At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."
"You're probably right," I said.
"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.
"Because you're 102 years old," I said...
"You're probably right," I said.
"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.
"Because you're 102 years old," I said...
"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.
That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.
He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"
An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:
"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain.
I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."
A short time later, he died. I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then
how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.
I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he quit taking left turns. "
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.
He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"
An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:
"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain.
I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."
A short time later, he died. I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then
how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.
I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he quit taking left turns. "
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it and if it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.
"ENJOY LIFE NOW - IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newspaper interview with an astronomer has rocked the astrological world, leading some believers to worry that they've been referring to themselves as the "wrong" sign for all these years, and that instead of being, say, sensitive, dependable, and stubborn, they are now emotional, reliable, and obdurate. (Read more)
And if you read that and are back now,,,,
Yep,,,that's what I'm thinking too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay,,a "Not kidding Link".. I hope you never need their help... But...
Cleaning for a Reason
If you know any woman currently undergoing chemotherapy, please pass the word to her that there is a cleaning service that provides free housecleaning - once per month for 4 months while she is in treatment.
A newspaper interview with an astronomer has rocked the astrological world, leading some believers to worry that they've been referring to themselves as the "wrong" sign for all these years, and that instead of being, say, sensitive, dependable, and stubborn, they are now emotional, reliable, and obdurate. (Read more)
And if you read that and are back now,,,,
Yep,,,that's what I'm thinking too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay,,a "Not kidding Link".. I hope you never need their help... But...
Cleaning for a Reason
If you know any woman currently undergoing chemotherapy, please pass the word to her that there is a cleaning service that provides free housecleaning - once per month for 4 months while she is in treatment.
All she has to do is sign up and have her doctor fax a note confirming the treatment.
Cleaning for a Reason will have a participating maid service in her zip code area arrange for the service.
This organization serves the entire USA and currently has 547 partners to help these women.
It's our job to pass the word and let them know that there are people out there that care.
Be a blessing to someone and pass this information along.
You may not know someone going through chemo, but someone on your e-mail list might,
You may not know someone going through chemo, but someone on your e-mail list might,
so please forward this information.
Related site:
http://www.cleaningforareason.org/ .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And one more "Not Kidding Story",,,,sit up,
pay attention,,the scammers are getting smarter.
Subject: Citizens Alert - New Visa. Master Charge Fraud 1/10/11
Date: Tuesday, January 11, 2011, 2:08 AM Visa / MasterCard FRAUD.
Just a heads up for everyone regarding the latest in Visa fraud. Royal Bank received this communication about the newest scam. This is happening in southern Alberta right now and moving.
This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they want..
Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it.
This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA & MasterCard telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'll be better prepared to protect yourself. One of our employees was called on Wednesday from 'VISA', and I was called on Thursday from 'MasterCard'.
The scam works like this:
Person calling says - 'This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460, Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify.
This would be on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona ?' When you say 'No', the caller continues with, 'Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?' You say 'yes'.
The caller continues - 'I will be starting a Fraud Investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800-VISA) and ask for Security. You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. 'Do you need me to read it again?'
Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works - The caller then says, 'I need to verify you are in possession of your card'. He'll ask you to 'turn your card over and look for some numbers'. There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the last 3 are the Security Numbers that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the last 3 numbers to him. After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, 'That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions?'
After you say no, the caller then thanks you and states, 'Don't hesitate to call back if you do', and hangs up. You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back. Within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we were glad we did! The REAL VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card. We made a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card. Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master Card directly for verification of their conversation..
The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit; however, by the time you get your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make, and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a fraud report.
What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from a 'Jason Richardson of MasterCard' with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA Scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that this scam is happening. I dealt with a similar situation this morning, with the caller telling me that $3,097 had been charged to my account for plane tickets to Spain , and so on through the above routine.
It appears that this Is a very active scam, and evidently quite successful.
=
http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/creditcard.asp
This was sent to me by Larry Lynch a Block Captain in the Halifax Plantation Crime Watch program. I have checked it in Snopes and it is true. It is a very cleaver way to scam and steal from you. Thanks to Larry for helping to keep all of us safe from fraudulent practices like this. .
Nick Riggio- Glinmore HOA Crime Watch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Related site:
http://www.cleaningforareason.org/ .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And one more "Not Kidding Story",,,,sit up,
pay attention,,the scammers are getting smarter.
Subject: Citizens Alert - New Visa. Master Charge Fraud 1/10/11
Date: Tuesday, January 11, 2011, 2:08 AM Visa / MasterCard FRAUD.
Just a heads up for everyone regarding the latest in Visa fraud. Royal Bank received this communication about the newest scam. This is happening in southern Alberta right now and moving.
This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they want..
Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it.
This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA & MasterCard telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'll be better prepared to protect yourself. One of our employees was called on Wednesday from 'VISA', and I was called on Thursday from 'MasterCard'.
The scam works like this:
Person calling says - 'This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460, Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify.
This would be on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona ?' When you say 'No', the caller continues with, 'Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?' You say 'yes'.
The caller continues - 'I will be starting a Fraud Investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800-VISA) and ask for Security. You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. 'Do you need me to read it again?'
Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works - The caller then says, 'I need to verify you are in possession of your card'. He'll ask you to 'turn your card over and look for some numbers'. There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the last 3 are the Security Numbers that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the last 3 numbers to him. After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, 'That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions?'
After you say no, the caller then thanks you and states, 'Don't hesitate to call back if you do', and hangs up. You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back. Within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we were glad we did! The REAL VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card. We made a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card. Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master Card directly for verification of their conversation..
The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit; however, by the time you get your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make, and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a fraud report.
What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from a 'Jason Richardson of MasterCard' with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA Scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that this scam is happening. I dealt with a similar situation this morning, with the caller telling me that $3,097 had been charged to my account for plane tickets to Spain , and so on through the above routine.
It appears that this Is a very active scam, and evidently quite successful.
=
http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/creditcard.asp
This was sent to me by Larry Lynch a Block Captain in the Halifax Plantation Crime Watch program. I have checked it in Snopes and it is true. It is a very cleaver way to scam and steal from you. Thanks to Larry for helping to keep all of us safe from fraudulent practices like this. .
Nick Riggio- Glinmore HOA Crime Watch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Romance Novel 2011
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start
at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.
Without warning he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start
at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.
My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.
His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.
My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...
"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done"
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.
"You can board your flight now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember,,,,I don't write em,,I just share em....
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.
"You can board your flight now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember,,,,I don't write em,,I just share em....
Woman Bashing
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Behind every great man is a woman telling him he's ignoring her
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted.
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can't beat a blowjob.
Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your date has to chew before she swallows.
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?
Who cares ?
The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to get married
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know, I know, I KNOW !!! Okay,Okay !!
Men Bashing:
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
How can you tell when a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
How is a man like a microwave oven?
They both heat up instantly and go off in twenty seconds.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can't beat a blowjob.
Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your date has to chew before she swallows.
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?
Who cares ?
The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to get married
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know, I know, I KNOW !!! Okay,Okay !!
Men Bashing:
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
How can you tell when a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
How is a man like a microwave oven?
They both heat up instantly and go off in twenty seconds.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the smartest part.
What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the smartest part.
What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love,
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love,
a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.
What do men consider housecleaning?
Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!
How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing
What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.
How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.
Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.
What is the difference between men and women...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
It means you're in the wrong house.
What do men consider housecleaning?
Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!
How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing
What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.
How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.
Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.
What is the difference between men and women...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says: "I'll really miss you"
How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
The noise wakes up her husband
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you gain some weight during the holidays ?? Yeah me too,,, I'm not into
Richard Simmons,,,But it's the only place I could find this song,,,at the moment.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says: "I'll really miss you"
How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
The noise wakes up her husband
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you gain some weight during the holidays ?? Yeah me too,,, I'm not into
Richard Simmons,,,But it's the only place I could find this song,,,at the moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I welcome all decent comments, please refrain from using foul language. That doesn't mean you can't criticize, but keep it clean. My momma may show up.