4 NIGHTS OFF !!

What is a calorie?
Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THEM!

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Working the System

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. 

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
 The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
 When the couple finished, the doctor said,

"There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This  happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.

We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from Medicare."


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Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, California,Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, 

Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

 1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.'

I drive a pickup truck because I want to.

No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. 

Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. 

They smell like money to us. Get over it. 

Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.

We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. 

It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.


7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, 

we WILL shoot it outta your hand. 

You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.


8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? 

It's available at the corner bait shop.


9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. 

It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.


10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.


11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. 

Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.


12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. 

We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!

Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in  Cincinnati  call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!


13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, 

and have long hair.(and a nice rack would be nice)


14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, 

the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.


15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.


16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! 

That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!


And that's The Cowboy Rule Book says..

Oh but wait !!! there is more.............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....


The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!


That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from  Afghanistan  to guard the borders....


When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo 

and ship him to  Afghanistan ....


Tell him if he wants to come to  AMERICA  then he must serve a tour in OUR military....


Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......


After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in  Afghanistan  and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .


If they refuse to serve, ship them to  Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.....
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Ever wonder what two feet of snow looks like ?? Well here it is....

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Bedtime prayer for the ladies
BEDTIME PRAYER

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who is not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong
And one who's willy is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, he won't wait for weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash, he wont be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair, and opens my door
Massages my back, and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind
Knows what to say when I ask "How big's my behind"?

One who'll make love 'til my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the loo, the garden, and kitchen!
I pray this man will love me 'till no end
And never attempts to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray beside my bed
I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead !!!

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A beautiful young Jewish girl comes home and says,

"Ma, I got married."

Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."

She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."

Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."

She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your
wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of
luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the beautiful new house she bought
for her parents and says,
 "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff
me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my
ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now,
it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says,

"So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
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 Have you ever told a white lie? 

You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events:

   
    Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the  Baptist Church  Ladies'
    Group in  Tuscaloosa  , but forgot to do it until the last minute.

    She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after  rummaging through cabinets,

found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing,

and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

    When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the 

cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
    "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" 

This cake was important to  Alice  because she did so want to fit in 

at her new church, and in her new community of friends.  

So, being  inventive, she looked around the house

for something to build up the center of The cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. 

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
    Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

    And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,  Alice  woke her daughter and gave her some  money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

    When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

    Alice  was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!
    What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! 

All night,  Alice  lay awake in bed thinking about people
    pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

    The next day,  Alice  promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

    She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snobwho more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that  Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of  Tuscaloosa  but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

   
    The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to 

Alice  's horror, the cake in question was presented for  dessert! 

Alice  felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

    She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before
    she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

   
    Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the
    hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

       "Thank you, I baked it myself.."

    Alice smiled and thought to herself, 

"God is good.
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Hey I'm off work,,Hey I got a 4 day weekend
Hey it's going to be 67 degrees tomorrow !!
Sounds like good weather to run around with the top down.
Okay,,,I'm out of here,,,when you think
you're having a bad day,,,

Remember... "Armagedon"...Don't just read it,,,play the sound clip.